Jan 5 2012

Things to aspire for in 2012

1) Care less about whether my coworker is having a weird day. I’ll leave it at that, because honestly there are still days where I am just too weirded out by her behaviour to have a conversation, but I will try to be more sociable. Maybe one day I can actually not give a shit at all. Now that I think about it, I should probably . . .

2) Pay my therapist a visit. Dealing with my coworker has caused me to get a bit mentally tangled up, so I could really use my therapist’s sound advice and guidance.

2) Eat better. So far so good. I don’t expect to give up sugar forever, but the excess has to stop. My body has been waving a white flag for a while now.

3) Drag my ass to the gym. I am fricking paying for it, after all. It was fine to take a break, and I really should take care to not overdo it as I did a few months ago, but seriously, Me, get off the couch.

4) Meditate more. Ugh, this one I’m a bit uncertain about. I seem to try too hard and take things too seriously and generally psych myself out completely. Perhaps it would be more realistic to . . .

5) Make it to a few Shambhala meditation nights. My brain seems less inclined on galloping in circles when other people are around, particularly if they are experienced practitioners.

6) Read another good book on meditation. Turning the Mind Into an Ally was excellent, but I think I need to try reading The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness for its psychological approach to meditation.

Edit: Mere minutes before I posted this, I overheard my coworker talking about a “brown guy”, and the bulk of the story seemed to be entirely intertwined with how the situation was funny because he was brown. Aspiration 1 is going to become DON’T FUCKING CHOKE THE BITCH, BECAUSE THEN YOU WILL GO TO JAIL AND THAT WOULD SUCK.


Jan 5 2012

Adventures in Sugar

I ate a cookie with my tea this morning. I blame lack of sleep, but to my credit, it was small and it was only one.

Now that I think about it, the scummy film produced by the cream I put in my tea to buffer my ailing stomach had a lot to do with that decision. Somehow my brain thought a cookie would make the consumption of the tea less wretched. It worked, so I guess there’s that.


Jan 5 2012

Tracking All the Things

So you have a lot of time on your hands, you say? You’ve decided to take up reading, because it’s mighty fulfilling and it expands your mind and you may learn things? What a coincidence! Those were exactly my thoughts as well!

But you’re thinking to yourself, Limey, I want to keep track of what I read. I want to collect them like gaming achievements . . . real-life achievements! Sometimes I don’t remember if I’ve read something before. Well by golly! Have I got some sites for you!

GoodReads has been recommended by not one, but two of my friends who are currently using it. The interface is clean and easy to use, the database is highly detailed and appears to be full of every edition you read of Torn Bodice.

Library Thing was a recommendation from Metafilter, but it doesn’t have the glitzy polish of GoodReads. Still, looks like it’s a solid choice.

22 Books – I have to give them props for putting together a clean site that’s easy to use. Of all the sites, it took the least amount of time for me to figure out where to sign up and login. Unfortunately, the book database is woefully inadequate. Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris has been the book that I’ve been using as measure of the quality of the databases, as I have a copy in front of me and can search by title, author or even ISBN. The 22 Books database did not have a single version of it. Not one. I’m not looking for a site that requires me to cobble together the book database, so I think this one is officially voted off the island.

But what about tracking other things with books you ask? Well All Consuming is here for exactly that purpose. I would give it a thumbs up if it wasn’t for the fact that I can’t find TV shows in there anywhere. I watch my TV season by season, episode by episode . . . why wouldn’t I track that? The book section seems solid, but the music database does not seem to extend to some of the more obscure selections that came to mind. I know they can’t include everything, but I’m sure there are other sites that are perhaps a bit more comprehensive in their music database. With that in mind, perhaps a conglomeration really isn’t the best strategy. A site for books, a site for music, perhaps a site for TV and movies would be good. Also, I don’t really see how the food and drink section fits with the other categories. It seems like an awkward fit that isn’t particularly useful, not to mention that the amount of duplication makes the OCD person inside of me need to arrange socks by colour and alphabetize canned food.

When I get home, I’m also going to try Delicious Library, because ZOMG COVERFLOW OF ALL THINGS.

Okay, that’s it. Go track stuff!


Jan 4 2012

Sugar

I’ve managed to go four days now without touching any of the chocolate and cookies sitting on the filing cabinet in the office. I’ve also avoided consuming any unnecessary sugar, with the exception of a small cup of ginger ale earlier this week. It’s amazing how much less shitty I feel!

Unfortunately, water doesn’t really do much for alleviating the excruciating boredom of sitting here with nothing to do for nine hours. I’m going to have to start reading a lot of books or something.


Dec 22 2011

Hypoglycemia

I have spent the last two weeks feeling like a complete nutcase, my mood swinging from the rafters every time I miss or am late with a meal. If my test results come back saying there is nothing wrong with me, I may fight somebody. Although I’ll probably have a snack first, just to make sure I’m actually mad and not loopy from low blood sugar.


Dec 21 2011

Observation

After roughly 8oz. of latte, I find myself hilarious. Also, I care a lot less about pretty much everything, which is really good for someone as neurotic as I am.

Now, if I could just figure out a way to replicate this without buying coffee . . .


Dec 21 2011

Christmas

Waging war on Christmas tonight. I fully expect to win, complete with last minute deals which I am already the benefactor of. Booyah, it’s like I planned it this way.


Dec 21 2011

I’m noticing a correlation between my mood and being at work, which is to say, it’s really shit. Will continue to monitor and report observations.


Dec 20 2011

Clarity

So, as I was drinking my sugar-free mocha, it suddenly occurred to me that I have been taking life way too seriously.

It wasn’t so long ago that I didn’t really give a fuck. I mean, I did, but after having my life turned upside-down and inside-out 7 or so years ago, I suddenly felt free to just be. To try things. To make mistakes. To really fuck up, dust myself off and get right back out there. Then, sometime between long ago and recently, I lost my way.

There is something about a long-term relationship that makes me sweat the small stuff. I get hung up on what I do for a living, what he does for a living, where we live, how we dress, how much weight I’ve gained . . . all of this, despite the fact that I tell myself that these things don’t matter. Somehow I stopped believing it.

While I was sitting here looking at pictures and the musings of others, I realized that I had allowed my thinking to get really fucking old. Sitting here, like a cranky old woman, growling to myself about regrets and should-have-beens.

I kept looking at pictures. Pictures of people being young. People not giving a fuck. People living in the moment. I thought to myself, I wish that was me, then realized, wait, that used to be me, what the fuck happened?

Well, the cause doesn’t really matter. I think it builds up like calcium deposits around the faucet; slow and imperceptible until it’s a disgusting crust that obstructs the opening.

It’s not so much about being young. At 15, 16, 17 I was bitter and cynical, like a curmudgeonly 40 or 50-something whose best years were always behind them. It took 10 more years for me to figure out that I was taking the joy out of my own life in tiny increments, leaving myself stranded on an island of suck.

It’s a really bad habit, like smoking, slowly giving myself mind-cancer.

Kyoko over at brain-food suggested making a bucket list and reflected on the experiences she has had as a result of pushing herself to get outside of her comfort zone and do things from her list. I used to live by that. Somewhere I lost my way. It’s never too late, though, that’s the beauty of it. Sometimes you find yourself halfway down your sugar-free mocha, and even though it’s been a really long time and you’re a little beat up, you’re still you. Now for that bucket list.


Dec 22 2010

Kinect

I love randomly saying rude things while Seuss tries to speak commands to the Xbox.

“Xbox . . . ”
“Balls . . . ”
“Play disc . . . ”
“Penis!”
“What the fuck . . . play disc. You’re an asshole.”