If I could have one wish granted today, it would be that the dog never have diarrhea again. Ever.

Words cannot fully express how fucking elated I would be if I could go the rest of her life never having to come home to find the inside of her kennel painted with feces.

A wave of nausea is overtaking me again. Excuse me.

April is a big month for birthdays here at Limeworld. So, rather than doing several happy birthdays, here's one big happy birthday to all the friends and family of Limeworld.

Momo, April 13

GMAN (Forever North's brother), April 18

Koji, April 26

Forever North, April 27

happy birthday!

I just got back from a four hour bike ride.

Before I continue with this story, I would like to mention that a month ago I could not ride a bike. I've spent the greater part of my life too scared to get on one that didn't either have three wheels or two additional tiny ones on either side. Learning to ride as a child was pretty much a lost cause, since I was terrified of the remotest possibility of falling down. Then, at 25, I bought a bike and learned to ride it. On with the story.

It wasn't really intended to take four hours. Forever North and I wanted to see if we could figure out a bike commuting route to work, since we've never done it before. So we headed off around 7:00. The sun stays up quite a while now, so we figured that we would get back before it got completely dark outside.

We took a bike trail down into the ravine and headed across Fox Drive to Keillor Road. By this time it was raining, but we figured a little rain wouldn't hurt us. On the way up Keillor Road, we found that the top of it was completely closed off. Curious, we decided to go see why. Well, it's very simple really. It's because the road has 30 foot gap in it, thanks to the riverbank giving way underneath of it. There's a pile of concrete, asphalt and cables in the hole where the road used to be. Yep, definitely gonna take that detour.

We climbed up the hill and found ourselves in part of Belgravia. On our way through the neighbourhood, we came across a bike leaning up against a dumpster. Odd. We looked it over, and although the frame was new and in great condition, the gears and brakes were completely beat to shit. As far as we could tell, someone had decided to abandon it there, so we took it with us.

We took the bike to a friend's house where we left it so we could come back with the car to pick it up. We then headed back to home.

By this time it was dark, so we decided to stay close to Fox Drive rather than stumble blindly down Keillor Road. It was also pouring rain at this point, so any way that we could get down towards Fox Drive that involved a minimum amount of slippery mud was most desirable.

At this point, my lack of physical conditioning is beginning to show. Whether I like it or not, my muscles are starting to fail, and I'm finding it absurdly difficult to stay upright on the bike. On the way down the side of Fox Drive, I nearly crash into a lamp post. I manage to avoid it, almost dismount gracefully, lose a grip on my bike and send myself tumbling ass over tea kettle down the embankment. I am muddy, soaking wet, but mostly unscathed.

Then, while crossing the bridge over the ravine, I develop some kind of absurd attraction to the railing. My body refuses to listen to my urgings to lean away from the railing, so all I can do is try to grab onto it. As I grab onto the railing, my handlebars get caught in the railing and the bike and I are brought to a violent stop. I'm pretty sure I have some terrific scrapes and bruises from that one, but I'm too bloody exhausted to check.

Once we get across the ravine and back towards the way we came, we were pretty much reduced to walking most of the way home. It probably would have been an easy ride home if it wasn't for the steep ascent out of the ravine and back into the residential area. We finally managed to get back on our bikes and ride the final 5 minute leg of the trip. We arrived soaking wet and delirious with fatigue.

It was an exhilarating bike trip, but I'd really love one of those chairs that carries you up and down the stairs right about now. As F-No would say, "It feels like I've been beaten with a sack of oranges . . . it hurts, but I can't see the marks!".

My bad. The man was shot while he was in his car, firing back at another car. They were driving down Walterdale Hill, exchanging gun fire. Gruesome stuff.

A man was shot in front of the Kinsmen Fitness Centre this morning.

Who knew going to the gym could be so deadly? ~baddum ching~

Sorry, that was tasteless. I just can't believe that there's only one Internet news source that had any timely coverage of the incident. I heard about it from the catering company that provided lunch long before I could find anything on the Internet. (Their drivers had trouble making their deliveries due to Walterdale Hill being shut down.)

My mind is not on my work. My mind is basking in the warm sunshine. My mind is rolling around on the newly sprouted grass. My mind is floating through the unseasonably warm spring air.

Damn this beautiful weather. I should be outside!

Dear Bowel,

We seem to be having some misunderstandings that I would like to clear up. I was under the impression that all dairy products will automatically result in profound colonic unrest, however I have found that ice cream and cheese are exceptions to this rule. I was also under the impression that practicing probiotics by taking Lacto acidophilus caplets and eating yogurt would be bowel-positive, however recent experience seems to indicate that this is in fact a sure fire way to spend my day running between my desk and the bathroom.

I am finding that running to the ladies room every twenty minutes is cutting into my productivity. If we could clear this up, I would greatly appreciate it.

Gut-spasmingly Yours,

Limegirl

The behaviourist approach to getting up in the morning:

R+ (positive reinforcement) - everytime you manage to get up on time, shower yourself with praise and buy yourself a MacLaren F1.

R- (negative reinforcement) - hook up a cattle prod to a timer. Set it to prod you until you get out of bed.

P+ (positive punishment) - hire a large hairy man to jump out of your closet and beat the living shit out of you everytime you fail you get up on time.

P- (negative punishment) - have the neighbour's kid steal your MacLaren F1 and wrap it around a phone poll everytime you fail to get up on time.

After being out for the evening last night with the herbivores, Forever North and I rolled into home. Dreaming of a blissful sleep, we were eager to get the dog out to pee so we could get our beauty rest. F-No unlocked the door and walked in. As we carried the herbies into the house, a wall of stink hit us like a freight train.

"Holy shit!"


"Literally!"


"What is that????"

With much trepidation, I crept into the living room to look in on Nari in her kennel. As I got closer, the smell got worse.

"OHMYGOD! Open a window! Open a window!"

We ran for the windows and gasped for air. I turned on the light and looked at the kennel. As far as I could tell, the dog had exploded. You couldn't tell what had come out of which end of the dog, but it was everywhere. FN ran for the kitchen, white as a sheet with nausea. I stood staring at the kennel in disbelief.

Nari was more than a little eager to get out of the kennel, and I promptly sent her outside. Afterwards, I stood staring at the kennel.

"What the hell is that?"


"I DON'T KNOW."


"I can't tell what end it came out of."


(gagging)

We dragged the kennel outside into the yard and somehow managed to keep from vomiting ourselves. When we got outside, we could see that Nari was straining to poo and there was blood coming out of her rectum. Not good. Very very bad.

In spite of her condition, Nari was as perky and excited as ever. She was wagging her tail furiously, eagerly anticipating an evening jaunt followed by dinner. We packed her into the car, rolled down all the windows and drove to the emergency vet.

All the way there I was imagining a bone fragment piercing her intenstinal wall and prolonged surgery. I was picturing a procedure costing in the thousands of dollars.

A quick exam and fecal smear, and my fears are alleviated. As it turns out, there's no bone fragment. No foreign object. Very likely just a bacterial infection that requires us to pop some pills into her for a week or two. PHEW!!!

So we took our stinky dog home, bathed her until she stopped smelling like the most vile substance known to humankind, dried her off, cleaned out her kennel and finally collapsed at around 4:00 am. It was a loooooooong night.

I would like to say, for the record, that having been in a teleconference since 2:30 this morning, that this is one of my least favourite activities.

It's not so much the content as it is the hour of the day, as well as the thickness of the accents which have taken me the last two hours to finally digest.

I would like to go home and die after this.

As I was perusing some bicycle related selections, I came across a very useful troubleshooting table at Edmonton Bike Bash.

We here at Limeworld strive to be useful and informative, and therefore now offer a slightly reformatted version of the Beer Troubleshooting Table.

Although we at Limeworld generally don't imbibe, this table can be used in many other circumstances.

Oops! Forgot that yesterday was the anniversary of Limeworld.com!

Wow, how time flies. Three years ago yesterday, I posted my very first blog entry ever. Limeworld has come a long way!

Finally, and after much delay, Limeworld now proudly brings you the two newest members of La Famiglia, Nari and Taro!

Nari greets F-No as he comes out to supervise her pee-pee session.

Nari watches the neighbours as they walk by.

Nari investigates the camera.

Nari poses for a head shot.

Taro comes downstairs for picture time.

Taro checks out Nari's kennel.

Taro pauses briefly for a head shot.

Taro heads off to pursue other adventures.

So, you remember that dog I mentioned a while back?

We managed to hold out for all of a day, and then couldn't resist her charms. She's ours now. We did have a name for her, but it turns out that the word doesn't mean what we thought it did. Back to square one. She is currently the sweet nameless dog formerly known as Kiwi. Perhaps we should give her a symbol.

I have pictures, but they're on a roll of film that I haven't finished yet. Stay tuned for pictures of the newest member of the Limeworld brood!

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UPDATE:

We thought we had renamed her, but it turns out that it just wouldn't stick. Everytime we said that her name was "Sumi", people would say, "Sue me?". That got annoying really fast. So we're back to the original, Nari. We've remedied the definition error by saying that "Nari" is a shortened version of "Inari", which means thunder. I think we've finally settled on a name. PHEW!