Because my nightmares weren't vivid enough . . .

A toilet with one-way mirrored walls

Forever North and I have been hearing a lot about Lost In Translation lately. After hearing about 3 different opinions, ranging from "hated it" to "should win best picture", I thought it would be good to see what all the fuss is about.

Let me begin by saying that this movie is not for everybody. Some people will love it, some people will hate it, and very few will be neutral about it. If you aren't into movies that are light in the dialogue department, you won't like Lost In Translation.

That being said, however, I loved it. I thought it captured many of the elements and experiences of being a foreigner in Japan.

The Tokyo area is a bright, glossy, neon-lit place that is an immense capitalist fantasy land. During the day, it's a concrete hive of salarymen and other restrained suited types rushing and squeezing their way to their offices or appointments. Trees and parks seem to sit quietly, cordoned off in a specific area, nutured but also policed regularly for any attempts at escape.

At night, the hive gives way to a night lit up like a Christmas tree. The darkness retreats from the glow of 20 foot TV screens on the side of buildings and fluorescent-lit stores that seems as if they never close. The salarymen rush and squeeze their way into restaurants and pubs to eat and drink their faces off. It's all a blur of pachinko halls, arcades and electronics stores that are 8 stories tall and filled from wall to wall with every gadget known to mankind.

It's a place that leaves one feeling giddy, drunk and disoriented without the slightest drop of shochu. Sometimes you really do find yourself perched on a window sill and staring out at this surreal place, wondering how you ended up here in the first place.

And then, just when you feel like you couldn't possibly take any more, you find yourself at a temple that looks as if its been standing there since the beginning of time. The world seems to stand still as traditions that date back thousands of years continue on as if the neon jungle didn't exist.

Thousand of years of history. Layers of traditions. All somehow just beneath the surface of a city that never sleeps, a night that never comes.

And all of this surrealness seems to have no dialogue. If you're like me, everytime you open your mouth, its pointless and futile because no one understands you. You'd like to think that English is an international language, but then you realize that you're a silly gaijin, and that your hand gestures and facial expressions seem to be more effective than your feeble attempts at being verbally understood.

Stick around long enough and you begin to discover that the culture is one of gaps and silences. The words never convey as much as what falls in between. Saying less means more.

And then, suddenly, the movie starts to make a bit more sense. It's not so much about trying to be artsy by not explaining things as it is about conveying more by saying less.

I know there are a lot of people who would still think the movie is a total piece of shit, but for me, it's like snapshots out of my own experiences. I see places I've been, shops I've frequented, and all the while the characters seem to be going through the same emotions I did in those places . . . awe, bewilderment.

In Japan I found things that I had never found in Canada. Upon returning, I found things in Canada that I had never found in Japan. Suddenly I am citizen of a world between, one which is both and neither at the same time.

Sometimes it leaves one feeling adrift. Then I see a movie like Lost In Translation, and suddenly I can crawl inside that world for a little while.

The movie will be different things for different people, but that's what it is for me.

I wonder if there's a pay grade for Obstructionist Fuckwad.

I swore to myself I would behave. I said I would be nice, I said I would not be sarcastic. But seriously people, life is happening over here.

Has anyone noticed that when you reach a certain age, marriage and babies starts to catch on like herpes?

I spent the greater part of my youth railing against marriage and babies as if they were the leading causes of cancer. Not because I had an inherent loathing of either, more that I abhored the thought of me being associated with either of those things. Too much to fuck up. Best not to touch.

Enter Forever North, who, goddamn him, made me all soft and squishy and think fondly of marriage and babies. He wore down my embittered shell, allowing my gooey vulnerabilities to ooze out. Which was fine, but then suddenly everyone was into marriage and babies.

It starts out like a favourite indie band, as though you're the first person to ever discover their redeeming qualities, nevermind the other 200 people watching the performance with you. Then some idiot goes and plays your favourite song on the radio, and suddenly everyone is wearing t-shirts with your band's name on it.

The difference is that marriage and babies have been happening for thousands (if not millions) of years, which means that instead of gazing haughtily at the plebes with your mesh trucker cap tilted at a jaunty angle, you're just some idiot who needs more time in therapy.

None of this should matter, however, since the concept of "cool" was recently pronounced dead. Therefore uncool is the new cool, or would be if cool wasn't dead.

It's almost 3am, so don't expect me to have a point.

The Silcocks - a remarkable family with 25 adopted boys, all with disabilities. Seeing Ann Belles on 60 Minutes II left me awestruck. She is truly an amazing person.

Forever North has decided to start a blog.

Lest I be outdone by his referral invites, I'd like to take this opportunity to invite everyone to join HSX and Neopets. HSX is a stock exchange that deals in movie stocks and fake money, and Neopets is a site that deals in fake money and cutesy drawings of fake pets. Both are infernally addictive. You can find me as Limegirl on HSX, and Limegirl6 on Neopets. Add me as a Neofriend and I'll even send you free stuff!

Now go check out F-No's site.

It seemed like an innocent enough thing to do at the time. Send an email to friends and family in the form of a newspaper article, detailing recent events surrounding a deep freezer failure and 20 pounds of meat.

Well I guess my mom didn't really get the joke.

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Accident Leaves 9 Wounded, 1 Critically Injured


Edmonton, Alberta

A couple returned home from Japan this weekend to discover that their deep freezer was not functioning. Forever North and Limegirl had been overseas on business and had stored some items in the deep freezer for the duration of their trip.

"I went downstairs to do some laundry, and I remembered that we had put some meat into the deep freeze to free up more space in the freezer upstairs," said North. "I opened the lid and the blast sent me flying across the basement."

The cats and other animals in residence came to investigate the explosion, only to be overcome by noxious fumes. Limegirl was the last to arrive.

"The cats were passed out on the basement floor, some of them had passed out before they had even made it down the stairs. The dog managed to drag herself back upstairs and out the door to fresh air," said Limegirl. "I managed to call for help before losing consciousness."

After emergency crews arrived on the scene, it was discovered that the meat products had liquified, creating a highly explosive gas which had become trapped inside the freezer.

"It was lucky no one was killed," said Phil Walters, head of the Hazardous Materials Section of the Edmonton Fire Department. "We've only seen one other spill that was of this degree, and there were no survivors."

North was taken to hospital with head injuries. Paramedics said that North's injuries would heal in a matter of months, but his psychological scars could be permanent. Limegirl and the animals were treated for noxious fume inhalation and released.

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The "newspaper article" was sent in a matter of seconds to nearly every living person we know, including several people that Forever North and I work with. Many of these people don't have a grasp of English that would allow them to appreciate the humour of the story. People start asking which hospital to send flowers to. Insert chaos and mayhem here.

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Woman Misunderstands Fake Newspaper Article - Sends Nations Into A State Of Panic


Edmonton, Alberta

A woman received an email from her daughter Sunday which contained a fake newspaper article. The article described an accident resulting from the build-up of explosive fumes from rotting meat. Mistaking it as a genuine newspaper article, she proceeded to forward it to everyone in her contact list. As many of the woman's contacts had only a partial grasp of English, thousands of friends and family around the world were sent into a state of panic.

"I thought it was real," said the woman, who declined to give her name. "I mean, look at the headline! It could have happened to anybody."

Many of the woman's Japanese contacts suffered critical electronic dictionary failure while trying to decipher the email. Several individuals reported having to use online translation services to make sense of the email. In many cases this added to the confusion.

"I didn't understand what the email said, but I could tell it was important," said Takashi Futada, one of the woman's Japanese contacts via a translator. "The translated email was unintelligible, but words like accident and explosion were enough for me to become significantly concerned."

Word quickly spread of the accident, eventually reaching the Canadian Embassy in Japan.

"We received several frantic phone calls within a matter of minutes," said Aurora Thompson, Public Affairs Coordinator for the Canadian Embassy in Japan. "It was difficult to understand what they were referring to, so we asked them to forward the email to us for further investigation. The version they sent was a translation of the original email, which caused some confusion."

Upon receiving the email, the embassy's email filtering system was alerted by several words such as "gas", "explosive" and "killed". The email was automatically forwarded to the United States Embassy, where staff contacted the Department of Homeland Security in Washington.

"We take all matter of national security very seriously," said Richard Welks, Under Secretary of Homeland Security for Information Analysis and Infrastructure Protection. "In this day and age, we don't have the luxury of hesitation. If we are to protect the people of America, we must act swiftly when a possible threat is identified."

The email was subsequently determined to be a substantial threat, which lead to the Canada-U.S. border being closed. It was a matter of minutes before the mistake was discovered, however it was several hours before the border could be reopened.

The Canadian and United States embassies, as well as woman's original contacts, have since been notified of the misunderstanding. It is unknown if this incident will have any long-term diplomatic consequences.

Being in Japan is not especially unique these days. Being in Japanese internet cafe in Shibuya, on the other hand, is worth writing home about.

I could get used to being here. I mean, I love home, but there is something entirely unique about the Tokyo metropolitan area. It's so . . . busy. So much technology, so much hustle and bustle. The streets and stores and train stations are lit up like Christmas trees, emitting an other-worldly glow at night.

Sometimes it feels like the city never sleeps. You just don't find that in Edmonton.

There's so much to love about home, but I feel like I could spend months here just wandering around in awe. Whole districts devoted to electronics . . . I've found my second home indeed.