Gift Ideas

As Christmas extends further and further into November, preparing to engulf the rest of the year until all we ever celebrate is Christmas, we find ourselves contemplating gift ideas earlier and earlier. What do you get for the person who has everything? What do you get for the person who has no taste and can't appreciate the wondrous gifts you bestowed on them in previous years? Fear not, I have your answers.

For the car geek looking to shave a few years off his or her life every morning: a drag-racing alarm clock. Nothing like squealing tires and roaring engines to transition you from peaceful slumber to heart attack.

For the life of the party: a 14 m.p.h. cooler. Yes, I said cooler, as in the thing you put beer in. But this one you can ride to the tailgate party, or demolish in the parking lot after too many beers.

For the person in traction: prism glasses. Now you can read a book on your chest without lifting your head. This is somewhere between brilliant and retarded.

For the clueless gadget whore: a digital photo keychain. The display is as small as the one on your camera, but this one can roll around in your pocket and get scratched until the image is entirely unrecognizable! Great idea!

For the Myspace addict: a handheld camera support. No more holding that camera at arm's length, now you can use this handy dandy gadget and get those narcissistic shots that you previously needed friends to help you with!

For your creepy neighbour: a night vision viewer. This bad boy can be connected to a camcorder for infrared video goodness.

For the wannabe librarian: a card-catalogue style media cabinet. Part of me loves the old school feel of this. Now you can get sanctimonious on people who borrow your DVD's and don't return them on time.

For the Spartan in your life: helmet and cape replica from the movie 300. It's a casual, everyday look, appropriate for kicking Persian messengers into deep pits. Not for Spartans who have been over-indulging in the mutton and wine.

And finally, for your AA sponsor: a 5 litre root beer keg. You say why, I say why not? It's over a gallon of party!